


to live is to remember, to die is to forget

by Tobi_Black



Series: If at first you don't succeed, try again [1]
Category: Bleach
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Gen, Kurosaki Ichigo is Shiba Kaien, Reincarnation, Soul Memories
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-20
Updated: 2019-04-20
Packaged: 2020-01-20 15:31:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,720
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18527920
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tobi_Black/pseuds/Tobi_Black
Summary: At his son's birth, Isshin looked at Ichigo and saw a ghost.Only, a soul wasn't supposed to remember once it died and returned to the cycle. With Ichigo, he doubted.He doubted if a soul forgot completely.





	to live is to remember, to die is to forget

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [I Didn't Expect To See You Again](https://archiveofourown.org/works/734469) by [cywscross](https://archiveofourown.org/users/cywscross/pseuds/cywscross). 



When Isshin first met his firstborn, he looked at the face of family.

(He remembered every aunt, uncle, niece, nephew that had ever been born during his long life.

There were certain features that tended to pass from family member to family member.

The nose.

The chin.

The eyes.

The ears.

But not like this.

He looked at his son and saw a face that had died fifty years before.)

He’d smiled and cheered because Masaki looked so proud to hold her son after his birth, then asked if she had a name for their little one.

(They’d been going back and forth over names, but hadn’t settled on one. Masaki had said that when she met her son, a name would present itself.

He hadn’t thought it would be literal, just that she had a name she had favored but hadn’t decided on.

They’d agreed that they wouldn’t name their children after lost family, that it wasn’t fair to settle a child with the heavy burdens the name would bring from their expectations. Now though, he wanted to call out a name he hadn’t spoken in decades.)

She’d smiled, a secret smile just for their son, and declared he would be _Ichigo_.

She wrote it down on his birth certificate that he’d readied.

_One who protects._

Isshin couldn’t help but think it was just as fitting as the one he’d almost breathed at the sight of a familiar face.

Then as Ichigo grew, Isshin felt that sometimes it wasn’t just his son’s face.

Kaien had died, entered the reincarnation cycle.

He had, or would, be reborn as a human. He wouldn’t remember his past life though.

(It was a fundamental tenet learned at the Shinhō Academy; _he wouldn’t remember_.)

He wondered sometimes.

(It was a fundamental tenet of the Shiba; there was no such thing as _impossible_.

Unlikely and difficult, yes, but Isshin knew that his family didn’t believe in a little thing like _death_ stopping them when they were determined about something.

His question wasn’t _really_ if it was possible that his nephew had been reborn and would remember things, but _what had Kaien left behind important enough to defy death_.)

There were a lot of little things his son did that made him think of Kaien, but nothing that couldn’t be reasoned away as a coincidence.

Kaien had loved to smile whenever he could, and his son was an orange-haired ball of sunshine smiles.

Kaien had been smart, and Ichigo picked up things quickly once an idea was introduced.

Kaien had been charismatic and friendly, and Ichigo could charm a fair few without even trying.

Kaien had been loyal above all else, and Ichigo had made a friend in his judo classes and had stood up for her when a classmate had thought her less for being a girl within a few days of knowing her.

Kaien had loved water, and Ichigo would spend _hours_ in the bathtub or the neighborhood pool if he was allowed.

A part of him wanted to just say that Ichigo was just a smart, normal kid, but he hadn’t been made Captain of the Tenth for no reason.

(Sure, it could just be a resurgence of the Shiba genes, because he knew that those were all common traits for his family, and the others could just be because his son was human and from Masaki’s family, but it nagged at him.)

But the tenet promised _he wouldn’t remember_.

(But he couldn’t think of the last time the tenet had been tested.

No shinigami had ever met someone they had known, in their new human life.

Certainly, not like this, where he sometimes gave his son choices with one tailored toward what Kaien would have picked.

How could they know they _didn’t remember_ , really and truly?)

Sometimes he gave his son choices to see if he would pick what Kaien might have.

Sometimes it failed, and his doubt was pushed aside for the time being.

(Sometimes he forgot that for all Kaien had been his nephew, he didn’t know everything.

Forgot that his son was _his son_ , that his son was _Masaki’s son_ , and that things changed.)

But sometimes, his son would, without hesitation or the slightest doubt, pick choices that weren’t anything but Kaien’s choices.

(He would never forget the day Ichigo had picked up a kendo sword, and fell into a stance that he would have never seen, careful as he had been to not expose his son to things like that.)

His son was his son, a Shiba in blood and soul, but he was also _Masaki’s son_.

Then he would forget his doubt.

When instead of pushing to pick up kendo, he stayed with judo and went with his mother to the archery range on the weekends.

That his mother taught him how to sew well-hidden stars and crosses onto his clothing.

He worried for many reasons for his son.

(Neither of them came without reasons they would be hunted down for what they were, several times over, but their son was everything Seireitei was taught to fear and hate. _Without_ going into anything about his maybe-former identity.)

He wanted him to be proud of both sides of his family, but neither would go over well.

He wanted to gift his son with the kumon of his clan, and settled for the colors.

( _Crimson red_ for their fireworks.

 _Black_ for their commitment to serving Soul Society.

 _White_ for their intent to protect for pure reasons.)

Masaki did similar, putting her own mark on their son.

( _Six-pointed stars_ to never settle for doing less than everything.

 _Crosses_ to never falter in their duty.

 _White_ for the pure reasons to protect.

 _Pale blue_ for never forgetting why.

 _Dark blue_ for remembering family.)

They continued the tradition with their darling twins.

(If he’d had moments of doubt with Ichigo, he thought Masaki did so too with their girls.

There were moments when she looked at them, and her gaze was the same as his.

They never discussed who their children reminded them of though.

There were no secrets but a combined acknowledgement that they would be tempting things by breathing names long dead.)

They watched as Ichigo took to being a big brother like he took to water.

(He held his tongue on how Ichigo fell into step taking care of the girls as if it was natural for him.

It was _here_ that he thought if Ichigo was Kaien-reborn, then this was fitting.

Kaien had _loved_ being a big brother, loved his siblings and family more than anything in any world.

He thought he’d been _happiest_ when it had been just him and Kukaku and Ganju, and Ichigo smiled _brightest_ when he helped Masaki with Karin and Yuzu.)

Then came that awful, rainy day Masaki had died.

(Isshin never got the whole story from Ichigo.

First because Ichigo didn’t have the words.

Later because Ichigo didn’t know if _he_ knew the words.

Kisuke had told him much of what he’d figured out in the decade that followed but some things only his son would be able to tell him.)

He had expected Ichigo to hate when it rained after.

(He realized it was silly when Ichigo ran out into the rain days later, settling in a way he hadn’t even noticed his son hadn’t been beyond grieving.

Kaien could never hate the rain.

Ichigo could do nothing less than love the water.)

He had expected his son to avoid the riverbank for years after.

(He knew he should have expected his son to run there the day after, his mother’s bow and arrows on his back as he stalked up and down it.

Looking for monsters.)

He had expected his son to change at the loss.

(He did.

But it was different.

Ichigo both did and did not accept that his beloved mother, so strong and fearless in his eyes, would be gone. He waited for her. He did what he could to cover for her, as if to ease her burden for her absence in their lives.

Then when he’d gently reminded him that Masaki was _gone_ , Ichigo had said he’d _known_ , that she was waiting on the other side to greet them, with such an old look in his eyes.

The look spoke of grief long-held and long-mastered and freshly-given and freshly-acknowledged.)

His sunshine son’s smiles faded.

He smiled only for the twins now, loved them fiercely and told them all about their mother, who had been so strong and fierce in his eyes.

(He hadn’t been able to help his tears at how his son’s eyes had shone with tears as well, even as he described Masaki to them only ever with a smile.

 _Ichigo was so proud of being Masaki’s son_.

For that, it didn’t matter if Ichigo was Kaien.)

As they grew, Ichigo passed on what their mother had taught him.

All three practiced archery once they were big enough to pull back the drawstring of a bow.

Yuzu took to sewing so easily, far outstripping her brother and sister.

She practiced her archery even as Karin took up soccer, his youngest only ever practicing against her tomboy sister and her brother.

Karin got Masaki’s spirit though, so strong and fierce and unwilling to let the world stop her.

Ichigo smiled at them with Masaki’s secret smile for those things.

Isshin watched them all grow up.

It brought tears to his eyes every day seeing them, so proud of them.

 _Masaki would have been so proud of them, to call herself their mother_.

So instead he wailed to the giant photo of her about them, about everything he thought she would have loved to see and hear about.

Karin scoffed and Ichigo scowled and Yuzu smiled that soft patient smile that still made shivers run up his spine, at the sight and echo of his beloved wife’s, but Isshin saw how each would puff up just a little with pride when it was _their_ achievements being bragged about.

Masaki was gone, but never forgotten, living on in a way that honored her inclusion of dark blue amongst their family.

(Isshin forgot about his thoughts of Ichigo and Kaien in the years after Masaki’s death, just accepting it as a quirk of _his and Masaki’s son_.)

**Author's Note:**

> This fandom needs more Ichigo-is-Kaien.


End file.
